unreflectedsoul

The Random Thoughts From Yani

2007-02-19T06:51:00.000+08:00

Onion Wings... Biting Apples (i mean apples that bite). Butterflies with specs. Squirrels on Coffee... Yani on Coffee... Yani Realising her last dose of Caffiene was about 6 hours ago... Purple... Shoes... Penguins... Purple Penguins Pretending Polar bears are Present, and that they're Purple. The 2000 words she needs to write... not on this blog... but on the 2500 word essay she has to hand in about 14 hours...

Yani wants coffee... She also wants a brilliant mind that isn't too lazy to work. at the moment yani thinks she lacks the brilliance, and the motivation. without either i believe that's what's called a bum. now yani's thinking of the big thing she's sitting on. or rather what allows her to sit on anything. yes yani is thinking of her ass. she likes her ass, she thinks it's big, but that's what makes it beautiful. and now she thinks the only reason she thinks this is because other people tell her her ass is nice. if that wasn't the case what would yani think of her own ass as? big will always be a popular adjective for it. but whatever the reasons that i like my ass for, i know i like it and i have no issues about it. just issues about why i dont have issues about it. gasp. yani stopped using 3rd person to refer to herself with. gasp again, she started again. now yani thinks she must have some sort of attention seeking disorder. wait...that's confirmed by the existance of this blog. also, why did yani writing in 3rd person to begin with?

Maybe because saying 'I' too many times would've made me sound ego-centric (note: meant to be sarcastic/funny....please laugh) maybe yani is podantic. was that spelt right? comment me if not.

(there was a 3 minute silence from the keyboard. I got distracted, sorry)

now yani realises that the only reason she is boring the readers she thinks she has, is because she isn't doing her work. or doesn't want to do her work. maybe she's doing this because if she stays up all night, she'll have yet another triumphant whiny story to tell someone...

now yani is on the phone so she has to go now! baibai....

God those were good goodies!

2006-12-30T08:21:00.000+08:00

*sigh* ye olde snacks of mine childhood. how sweet were they in those sugar driven days. when diabetes and obesity were far from our minds, and chocolate goodness and grey-matter damaging perservaties close to our lips (and far from our hips). the days ere health conscious society.the days long gone...

i miss pushup ice cream...i went to a restaurant in Brunei called Capers over the summer holidays and my sis told me their ice cream tastes like the aforementioned ice cream. i ordered it n tasted it and said, "Oh my God you're right! it taste like it! with the cardboard and everything!"

LoL...thought that would bring some smiles and nostalgic sighs for the this ever nearing end of 2006 :D

emotionally attached to emotional attachment

2006-12-26T13:12:00.000+08:00

What can i say? I hate being alone. Not just physically, but also emotionally. companionship is just really important to me. perhaps it's because i know i can't depend on myself. maybe i've never really tried.

maybe that's what all this change is about. giving it a try. giving independance a shot. or maybe it's more of a stab at being lonely. loneliness, silence, emptiness, 3 things i don't think i can stand for very long. hell i can't even stand having a fag outside alone without something to occupy me for the mere 5 minutes. maybe it's a normal thing to crave distractions. i also crave for distractions to ignore. more specifically, people to ignore.

most people who are in some sort of relationship, with a friend, lover, or family member, think that that just means they're taking the other party for granted. that they don't care about them anymore. could be true. but what if it's just that they're so comfortable with them being there, that they treat them as a part of their life. the same way you would expect the bed u sleep in to be there at night just as you left it in the morning. n using the same idea, we have to ignore the want to lie in bed if we've got that important bit of work to do.

i work better around someone else's schedule than around my own. i've gotta have someone to say, "you have to do this by this time, and this before that time", so i can work around it. but once i've got all the free time in the world. or at least a whole day dedicated to me, m lost, confused, and totally unable to structure my day.

i am constantly in need to need someone or something. i constantly think of a person to long for. i spend those 5-10minutes outside having a smoke, and instantly i thnk of someone to call. then i look through my phone to find that victim to ring. and when i realise that all the 4 people i can think of are unreacheable, then i realise that as friendly and as open as i am, i guess in a weird way i don't really let many people in.

this post is getting very off tangent :p

okay, i might just stop abruptly right here and go off to bed. it's wayyyyyyy to late (early?) for all this thinking. and oh my God, Pocoyo is on TV :D

It's me again

2006-11-12T02:34:00.000+08:00

Hello to whoever reads this blog. It's been a while since I've written anything. and i apologize for my appaling skills of updating. For the first time in a while, if not ever, i'm going to write up an update of random things that directly or indirectly involves me somehow. not because i'm self centered or anything, but then, i have a blog. how much more self centered can i get? lol

it has been the fastest 5 weeks of my life. no idea where the says have gone. where the hours went. if time flies, then it must pilot a jet plane! i havent travelled much since i got back from brunei. been to london, surrey, leeds and surrey. thats it really =S ...such a lazy bugger...

been trying to keep myself busy. mostly coz i never am. i hate to repeat myself but... im such a lazy bugger...

oh my god! this update is so boring. hmm..need to bring some life to it!! come on now...where's that zest for life part of u gone yani?? Yani?!!! oh dear... my enthusiasm has left me a note "i need a break from reality, taking a vacation with your sanity. be back soon...ish..."

oh my...well then...once again i have managed to waste, oh, 15minutes of my life NOT doing work. eek. LoL...so maybe i should go now n pretend to do some =S

bad yani...do ur work...

babai now...

if life was an onion

2006-08-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't find something less cliche if i were to find something to describe life in a single object. so...life as a rose. it starts out as a bud. concealing it's many petals. the stalk full of soft thorns like the silent dangers that lurk around the corner of adolescence. the rose blooms and reveals its many layers of beautiful petals. the petals fall with time, but the rose remains sweet smelling and beautiful. the thorns harden. and what would life be without thorns.

maybe i should stop there. because i think life as a rose is slightly too hard to believe. i think life is like an onion. if u had a whole onion bulb, and it was the first time u had ever seen it, you wouldn't know that there are layers. you wouldn't know that the onion hs a bad smell (in my opinion) you wouldnt know that when u peel one, the stench makes ur eyes sting and tears form. u wouldnt know that the smell from the onion stays on ur skin like a like a leech that just broke fast. odd analogy i know.

life is an onion. because the more u peel it, the more u cry, the more ur eyes sting. and at some point, the tears stop, but the sting in ur eyes stay. and u can only really know how many layers there r when uve come to it's end.

as ure peeling ur onion and fighting the tears or at least ignoring the sting, u don't know how deep ure in. ho far uve gone. ure just perpetually peeling. because u dont really have a choice. in ur head ure thinking "why am i peeling?" and i guess whether u know it now or later, maybe never, it's cause without the peeling, without the tears, you wouldnt be able to make some sweet or savoury meal for someone else. maybe for urself. i dunno. maybe someone else's life is a gorumet meal. and it's up to them to salt it or pepper it, cut it up, whatever. but my life's an onion. but in the end, an onion or a rose, it all came from the ground, and it'll go back to the ground. and every rose or onion has a purpose. my onion waits among other onions in a little plastic bag on the shelf of some supermarket in some little town in some little country waiting for the day someone needs it

I woke up to the past

2006-08-12T15:59:00.000+08:00

Here I am in coffeezone gadong. Alone again, drinking my iced mochachino, smoking my umpteenth cigarette...Wait...Only my fourth. Been having the most interesting week. With a lot of little serendipity moments, coincidences and what not. Talk about blasts from the past. Seeing people long stored in my mental black book. And interestingly have been having surprises on anniversaries I've long forgotten, but I suppose did not forget me.

And all these little puzzle bits that I've been happily piecing did not exactly come together but rather shattered into many more pieces in this one momentous day, and I'm like "Oh shit". But other than the tiny anti-climax, the week has been pleasantly nostalgic.

Though it has also made me realise something. And that is that I have no foundation to stand on when I need one other than family and my Teddy. When my Teddy isn't here, and when family is the last place I can find solace, I've realised there is no one else. But hey, I've got my iced mochachino. I've got my addictions. I've got my own little world to run off to when I want. Only problem is it's just a tiny bit lonely. Not a big deal really. Thought I was used to it. but i suppose the older you get, and the more you have to do, the more you want to create a life that is your own. And I guess I should've thought of that a while ago, but even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to do much.

Life for me was centred much around a group of people I could never let go of even if I wanted to. It still is. But both parties have realised I now have the right to create another life on top of the 3 I already have, and that life will, one day (if I'm successful) be called my own. One I created through the pleasant phenomenon of chance. And the wonderful power of choice. But for now I suppose I'll just sit here with my merecenary, purchased friends and later recline into a eutopia powered by nicotine and caffiene and a wild imagination. Ahhh... "one more iced mochachino please..."

Now as the waitress leaves with a face puzzled with suspicion and sympathy I sit back and revel in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling sorry for Yani

Your prayers are answered but you're too busy praying you don't notice

2006-07-11T15:22:00.000+08:00

A man with skin darkened from years of the Sun’s molesting walks through the desert at a quick pace. His skinny legs treading on a track hidden by the mask of the landscape. The desert’s many shapes and forms changing any landmark, leaving anyone virgin to the desert desperately lost. This man knew his way. How? Only he and God knew. Looking down only a few times to catch the shadow of a retreating snake’s tail or to take a second glance at that lizard shaped rock move. He walks with determination. Looking up to the sky with a sort of useless hope, he heaves a big sigh. Knowing his way through the ever changing landscape of his home, knowing every creature’s intentions and have them know his, he had full command of where he stood. In the middle of nowhere, he knew where he was. The only thing unknown and unpredictable to him was whether the Sun’s months of parching every water based creature would finally come to an end and let the clouds pass by unharmed. But the man knew too well that hoping was useless. He needs to make this walk to make up for what he cannot depend on.

He reaches the waterhole. The animals there hardly noticing his presence. All feeling a mutual need to ignore each other and silently revel in the fact that there is some sort of relief from the relentless heat. He fills his water bottles and arranges them neatly behind his back. He stays there for just a few more moments to wash his hands and face. His bony frame shivers with excitement as the water trickles down his neck and chest. Feverish hands controlled by his considerate nature. Telling them not to be greedy and leave before he causes the waterhole to dry up quicker than usual. The trickling of water down his face, neck and body lessen quickly in the heat and light. He looks at the small waterhole. A puddle in the massive ocean-less beach he lives in. Only the ripples made by the eager animal’s tongue disturbs the glass-like image of this puddle a whole ecosystem, depends on. The man’s reflection untouched by the ripples, untouched by the wind. And thankfully, untouched by the Sun. His perfect reflection is suddenly penetrated by tiny drops of something. The trickling of water down his face, neck and body returns, but he remains still. The drops of water turn solid as they silently hit the ground. As unceremonious as they had arrived, they left. Still not knowing what had just happened, the man looks up; only to catch the last remaining rain drops in his eye. Instinctively he shuts his eyes and from the one rain drop savoured, more drops of water appear to leave his eyes. Had he missed what he had forever longed for? No he had not missed it. it had missed him. He, present and alive at that moment in time felt the rain without knowing it was rain. He, still wet from the brief and blessed shower stood there almost unsure how he had come to be so. And now his tears fell without fully knowing the cause. So suddenly had what we prayed for arrived that he had no time to savour it before it left him only to pray once more.

Unreflected

2006-04-30T07:13:00.000+08:00

She looks into the mirror.

The mirror that she cannot see herself in.

She's not a vampire,

Not a ghost...

Much worse than any demon,

possessed?

Perhaps.

But what has possessed her is unbelievably common

It's found in every corner,
In every crack and crevice,
In every beating heart of every person

It is the purest kind of evil,
For it is a sin itself

And everyone has, is or will perform it.

Much worse than any demon...

much worse than anything unknown and feared.

for it is something well known.

something we need to do to survive.

a necessary evil that one learns to Love

To Hate

To Need

To Hear

To Say

A Fact of Life.

Something somehow as unwanted as
Death

Hatred

Fear

And yet as much a part of life as any of them.

And as much needed.

Lies
Lies and
Lies andoro
Lies but at leas
Lies ad ive triedan
lies! but oh well i gues

It's difficult sometimes to lie to people. Sometimes easy. Sometimes, not even an issue.
But there is one we cannot lie to. The one we can only briefly fool and blind from the truth,

Is the one who is witholding it

She looks into the mirror.

The mirror she cannot see herself in.

She accuses the mirror for being unreflective

How incompetent it is that she is unreflected

verbally abuses this object for fabricating lies

everyday

everynight

Looking at her straight in the eye

guiltlessly lying

And then one day,

as she stares out of the window and sees the clouds sail by in the wavey sky

she catches a glimpse of herself in the window pane.

a transparent image of herself.

And slowly, and silently, her eyes water, she cries.

For now she knows that the mirror was always true.

That she was always what she could see.

"It was never the fragile mirror that lied,
What I see is the lie within me."

block the past, or blog it

2006-04-20T20:37:00.000+08:00

A little girl playing in her backyard. Curious to her surroundings. Observing a single tree everyday for months because she wanted to see that cacoon/crysalis break. Waiting for those beetle egss to hatch. Watching a spider hunt it's prey. And always missing the moment she was waitng for. Still, waiting longingly for another opportunity. The same girl riding her bike around the small, quiet town. The same girl playing with her little sister. That little girl studying not as if it were a task but the experience of a lifetime. A girl who went to the library and devoured the whole section on animals and plants and biology in less than a year. The same girl walking back from school accompanied by her first sweetheart.

The same girl who left her little house, her backyard, the eggs, the cacoons and the butterflies. The little girl who left her little quiet town and her bicycle. Who left her friends and left her past to linger the halls of her now empty house.

She left herself. She left everything about her that she liked. She left her past to rot and die. And now her past a myth. The same girl now lies in her bed looking out the window to stare at the stars. Waiting for one to fall. But instead continuously watches the constellations die. The moment passes and she does not care to try again. Waiting is no longer an option. It's just a waste of time.

Let me sprint until I'm nine,
Maybe I can out run the grips of time.
I'll keep one eye to watch the stars,
I'll keep the other to watch my scars.
I'll try to jump higher than I can reach,
But I know I can't land squarely on my feet.
Stop changing your mind and keep to the plan.
Try to walk on the solid sand.
Write your name on water and watch the ripples die.
Write a song and make me cry.
Figure out a person with your one track mind.
Watch the stereotypes suffocate our time.
Run back and forth till there's no start or end,
Become a socialite without any friends.
Don't tell it if it isn't true.
It might come back to haunt you.
Don't say a word if the words aren't kind,
Because not even a second in life can you rewind.
Don't generalise the world even if it generalises you.
But in the end I guess that's all we can do.
Take a thumbtack and pin me to the wall.
Pin me down before I fall.
Make an equation out of uncertainty.
Let's pattern out this inconsistency.
Light the fire, breathe the poison smoke.
Let your lungs fill until you choke.
Endorphins, Nicotine and Caffeinated shit.
The only things I need to make my mind trip.
An empty page to fill with my always empty mind.
Let's sprint this track till we go back in time.

No one knows you better than yourself

2006-04-20T08:18:00.000+08:00

At some point in everyone's life, one will ask themselves, "who am I?" This is of course given that your life is privelaged enough that thoughts like "Why can't I have something other than boiled potatoes?" do not occupy your mind. So...for the group of people that live in a moderate lifestyle and actually have so much time on their hands that self identity matters, this question very often comes up. And I know this question has entered my mind as many times as the words "I know who I am!!! umm...wait no...I was wrong" has left my mouth.

So many people tell you to describe yourself in 3 words, a sentence, as an object, as an animal, as a character in a film, etc... and many people I know wouldn't even be able to write a book about themselves that they are totally confident is accurate. But who is to judge what/which description of yourself is most accurate? Your family? Your friends? Your lover? Yourself? God knows... - literally. The saying "no one knows you better than yourself" comes to mind. But is it true? Can someone who is constantly in search for self identity able to 'know' themselves? No idea.

But hey...sooner or later, one realises that "Wow...I think I am finally comfortable with myself! I think that at least now I know which kind of me I like being". And then one thinks they've got it figured out.

It's annoying and scary as well to one day realise that who you thought you were, isn't who you are anymore, or wasn't you to begin with. What you felt you were comfortable with was merely an image of yourself that you would like to be. Humanity tries endlessly, and hopelessly to draw everything in black and white. Including themselves. Humanity continuously makes the effort to simplify everything into a little equation. Into a single sentence. Into a single system of belief. Into a single colour. Into generalisations that will be contradicted the minute you share it with a second person. And now we attempt to generalise ourselves.

I wonder what Adam and Eve would've concluded had they ever gone through this stage of 'soul-searching'. Of course they had a lot more to worry about other than searching for self identity - like searching for each other (note: this was supposed to be a joke. But i predict that only one snicker and grin will be produced due to this attempt at getting to know that stranger; humour)

It's amazingly satisfying to realise for the first time that you are happy with yourself. That who you are does not bother you, and that you have finally stopped your mission to please everyone by changing every little habit you have. And it is equally disturbing to realise that knowing yourself is a work in progress. It's like trying to standardize a language. which is only truly achieved when the language dies. When it stops changing and evolving, only then can one generalise it. Only then can a true, accurate and concrete description be listed out.

So everytime you think you've got it figured out, the next minute you realise you're wrong. I wish that certain things about me never changed. But I find that when I get hold of something I feel is consistent, it slips out of my hand, and I'm left there without it only reminiscing what it was like to have it. I keep turning to the past as a reference of who I am. realising that how i face the present is what makes me. realising this, but not doing anything. numbed by laziness? numbed by excuses? blinded by the glory of the past. the deeper i reminisce into the past, the sadder i feel. my life now and before is the same. happy, satisfying. but my attitude is not. As if like a rose I feel my petals wither and fall with every passing second, until one day I am but a stalk of thorns.

I forogot what I'm talking about. Oh well, down to the mundane

According to tickle.com, I have an "unusually strong talent for precognition". I found that really quite cool, though also quite hilarious. Filled to the brim with confidence that I can see the future, i tried to test it by trying to 'predict' (or better put, guess) what a friend of mine was about to watch. And after the 5th try i finally got it. 'Woohoo!' I think anyone with that many guesses would have guessed it, even if he had not heard of the film...

This blog is probably the only outlet I have that I have not infected somehow with lovey-dovey true stories of my life. And i feel that some people might be happier if i left it that way. so it shall be for now =p

Do i write too seriously? i think i do. wayyyy to formal. need to loosen up and let go (hmm..strange, i keep saying that to my jeans and my stomach repsectfully) *that was, unfortunately for all you readers, another attempt of mine to crack a joke* the only thing i've ever been able to crack are my joints when im in an uncomfortable situation...

*crack*crack*

Soon i will be faced with an event that will probably change my life significantly. enough that i am very much tempted to take the easy way out and just quit. just continue to sit here and do nothing...my ass is very much happy to live the rest of its life growing into the shape of this chair (urgh...square ass...*shudder*) Yes my ass is another entity on it's own. I'd let it write in here too, but i fear that i talk through my ass enough that i think it's already well represented. plus i don't think anyone could talk about more shit than I can than of course an ass. and here i'll stop because it's getting gross.

so yea...to make this blog ridiculously cliche, let's borrow a famous quote from a movie, "dark and difficult times lie ahead ~~Harry~~ Yani. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy".

I'm not made of black and white

a night on the sofas

2006-04-17T06:38:00.000+08:00

there i was...happily wasting my time on the internet.doing nothing productive, when suddenly the lights flickered. at first i thought it was my microwaving potato. then i thought it could be because they don't know there ARE people on campus. but just as these thoughts zipped through my mind in that half a second, the lights stopped flickering, my potato still shrivelled, and my laptop seemed unaware of the momentary lapse its life source suffered. plus...i was amazed at how many things i could think about in half a second.
thinking no harm was done, i continued to watch videos on youtube. but alas...the worst has happened. the internet was down! *suspense filling music in the background*

i heard a distant scream of terror come from my neighbors room and assumed he had realised the worst. immediately i cursed the IT staff for wanting a vacation saying that i had important things to do online. like my much neglected work...yes...my work (*a soft tapping in the back of my mind n a small voice says, "dude...i think u hav an assignment to do" n it resonated through the empty quarters of my cranium*) i could hear the footsteps of my argentine flatmate shuffling faster than usual towards my door. n next the panicked knocking
on my door. i opened it to find him gasping "internet--not---work---bored---no point---to life---suicide--"

well..after a few moments of trying to comfort him, we decided that we should go down n complain. but we were so lazy that we decided to just bitch about it to each other. then we played pool. soon we found out that there is WiFi in the porter's lodge, which gave us enough motivation to get off our asses n give our chairs time to breathe... so here we are...on a nice red comfy sofa, online again, wasting our time, neglecting the work the little voice in my head just claimed i had, content that the only verbalising we need to do is coughing n the occassional 'yea?'. ahh we are content... oh here's nahuel with his sleeping bag. a night on the sofas for him

the basics blown with the wind

2006-04-09T01:07:00.000+08:00

The wind here in York grows stronger. Spring teases us with the sunny days, and the sudden showers and darkness. The pretty soft snow that once fell hardens into hail. The flowers bloom in vain. Living a short life in the day, dying with the frost at night. Spring fails us. The signets wade in the water and shiver in their soft down. The little ducklings try to find warmth underneath the belly of a hungry mother. The father pecks abusively at the mother. Layers of thick clothing does not keep me warm. My scarf chafes my neck. My skin dries and crinkles. The first few seconds of my favourite song does not fill me the same way it used to. And many things I used to think about when I am sad somehow cannot fulfil their purpose now. Ahh I've let slip that I'm sad. It's weird really... I don't know if I've felt this way before. Shakey, empty, tired but not sleepy. Sounds more like I have a fever. Maybe it's just the normal hormonal imbalances the female species gets time to time. The kind all men have to endure from us women at one point in their lives at least. Ahhh the things men have to endure from me. My strange annoying tendencies to f*ck them up and screw them over. My ability to turn the most patient, non-jealous person into an angry, suspicious green-eyed monster.

"Are you tired of being marriage material? Are you annoyed with being the perfect man? try my free 3 day trial and i gurantee you I will kill your ideals and morals. Just 3 days and i will make you into a man who believes that all women are scum! try it now and you will not be disappointed" - this will be my online dating advert i think one day.

Life is a balance of a bunch of things. Not as consistent as math may be. But as fragile as an equation of equlibrium. Perfect balance equals ideal life. Tip the balance one degree from norm, and that equals reality.

I live in reality now. It's ironic how reality is so blurry and leaves me feeling numb. Can one even 'feel' numb? Isn't numbness the inability to feel anything? Ahh well anyway...

The inability to feel anything. I have that. I am a woman who apparently thinks too much that i have no space for feelings. I think so much that I generate negative feelings out of other people.

So what is it now then? This inability to think straight, this inability to make connecting paragraphs, or to keep a sane conversation. Is this what it feels like when a woman who thinks too much learns to feel?

Is this pain in my chest due to my rarely used, unfeeling heart beginning to have life? Ahh yes... The same feeling one gets when one goes to gym and uses that odd, frightening looking machine that claims to rid you of your cellulite. And then afterwards u feel pain in muscles you didn't even know you had. Must be the same concept.

Let's see what other unknown parts of me exist. The best way to find out if something exist seems to be through pain. "I think therefore I am" I don't know if that's quite accurate anymore.

Back to basics

2006-03-11T09:01:00.000+08:00

When life complicates...When life overwhelms...When life just seems to have a sense of humour you don't share...just remember there are still things in your life that don't change.

When you wake up in the morning and you don't see the faces you usually do...Or you switch on the TV and find they've cancelled your favourite sitcom/series that you were so looking forward to watch; when you suddenly realise and regret the fact that who you were last year isn't who you are now; when one saturday night you find yourself staring at your phone waiting for an invite to a night out; when you look at your parents and finally see the wrinkles and pains they've been trying to hide from you (or that you've tried to deny); and when you look back and realise that everything seems to be going to shit or just changing way to fast and out of control, it always helps to go back to the basics.

Go back to that friend who you know you connect with, no matter what. Go back to the family that you love to hate because you know that no matter what they'll be there. Go back to the kind of cereal you used to love as a kid. Indulge in your favourite cartoon series that your parents taped and you watched over and over and over again. Search for the songs you grew up with - whether or not you are annoyed by them. Look through documentations of your past (not as other people saw it, but as you did) like journals or diaries or scrap pieces of paper that you scribbled a thought or two on - if you're that kind of person. Go back to the house you lived in as a child. Take a look around and watch the image suddenly connect with your memories in such a way that you're flung back to the past. Read a book you know always makes you smile. Wear something you know always flatters you. Write instead of type. Sing instead of mime. Release instead of repress. Remember instead of forget. Do something rather than alk about it. Go back to the things you know will never change. And if all else fails. look up and stare at the sky. It's been there since only God knows when. And it's seen all forms of shit - literally and figuratively speaking. The same sky that envelopes and protects us in this little thing we call Earth, from the bigger, scarier, less known, and abstract thing we call the universe. You look up, and you realise that you're not the only one. You realise that there are bigger things out there. And all we can do is but enjoy the little 'cheap thrills' that life has to offer.

For me... a cup of coffee and a fag always works.

I know it's more complicated than that most times. some people might not have any basics, or the comforts we share. But everyone's got their thing. But I always believe that no matter the situation - if you're fighting with someone, go back to why you were friends/lovers with them; if you're getting sick and tired of your course work, try and remember what made you think of doing it in the first place - there's always something to look back at. And it's worthwhile the reminisce I say.

the inanimate object that can ruin you when absent, and ruin you when abundant

2006-02-26T03:50:00.000+08:00

weed? LoL... no... love? maybe... to some people. money? maybe... to me.

"Wealth is power", "money makes the world go round", "money is the root of all evil". whcih one is true? i find that all are. possibly because i always find that one cannot exist without the other, that is, that good cannot exist without bad and so on. but also because money is something that everyone can't live without and can't live with.

as a child i believed that money was what made problems in my life and in the lives of people i love. so for a long time i despised the use of money as motivation. money as reward. money as a gateway to happiness. my ideals revolved around those ideas of living life not to make money but to make memories and to be happy. to do what one feels makes them alive. maybe some people find this in making money. but for me, before, money was merely a pleasant bi-product of doing something i enjoy. literature was to be my motivation. to teach people who had a thirst for knowledge beyond the obvious rules of life. the people who's eyes would glimmer and darken when given possibilities of what an author meant when writing a piece of text. when i first started doing literature, i was naive, ignorant shallow and materialistic. i am at least less of that after a few years of studying the subject. still unbelievably ignorant. still naive about certain things, definitely still shallow, but at least less. when i began studying a book beyond it's cover, beyond its pages, beyond its words and even beyond the authors' intended themes, i felt as if my mind had regions never recently known to exist. like there was some sort of electric impulse brave enough to venture further into the convolutions of my grey matter. and so my mind grew.
perhaps killing the natives of this new world such as ideologies of love and life. of death of religion. of humanity. replacing it with the realities of heartbreak, of passively existing, of existentialism, of secularization. of the uncertainty of what humanity is. it may be morbid, but like almost every attempt at wiping out a race, some survive. and those which did mixed or converted or stood strong. and so i have the contraversial views in my head. constantly debating within my mind of what i, the owner, should believe and follow.

this new found state of mind, call it chaos, call in indecisiveness, call it open-mindedness, these new discovered regions of my brain ached for more. and ached to show to others that there is more out there. more than following each other like a massive group of lemmings as they run aimlessly through the forest and off a cliff to their inevitable death and doom. more... there is more.

almost instantly i knew that that would be my goal in life. to teach people about the world through the eyes of a writer that may have completely contrasting views and lifestyles from us, and yet can produce a beautiful piece of literary text. in a few lines, in a few stanzas, in a small play, in a 500 page novel. oh the passion i felt as i day-dreamed constantly of what i could do one day.

the money in teaching? when i could be a doctor? or someone in the medical field? someone who could earn enough in a year to buy a house? hah! money... i would think to myself. money hasn't much to do with this. money is merely the least of what i will gain from doing what i love. besides, money is what destroys people. and so i worked hard to fulfill this goal.. of course, i was only 16... and i'm only a few years older than that now.

and yet, with only a few years between my first encounter with 'living', the 'supreme' society that has cultured in my mind now begins to manifest its corrupt ways. slightly more close to achieving my goals, i find myself re-evaluating my motives. and i was disgusted at myself for getting excited at the prospect of earning enough money for other plans of my future. more excited than what i was doing to earn this money.

where have my values gone? my genuine motives for education and knowledge? had they died?evolved maybe? lost their way?or have they been overpowered?

money is power. money has taken over my dreams and turned them into an economic plan.

and here i sit neglecting the beautiful pieces of literary texts that i had once loved, and instead i am crouched at my desk staring at a piece of paper with numbers and figures, thinking of the possible methods and ways of getting the most profit from doing my 'job'.

ahh but what is this ranting about? a mere sign that i am still very naive, if not even more so. inexperienced, innocent, very much ignorant. perhaps today i rant about money as i ranted about love. and tomorrow i might completely lose sight of what i'm doing. but at least i hope that if one day i am blinded by the materials of society and life. if objectives in life become merely to do and get. that i hope that at least i won't forget that there are people who are looking up to me, depending on me, and hoping the best for and from me. and for myself, i hope that happiness is something i can always find in the intangible.

saving my blog with stuff from the past

2006-02-23T09:24:00.000+08:00

Something i wrote quite a while ago. i have severe writer's block. so i will only be posting old crap for a while. sorry to disappoint.

i wrote this when i was feeling down for no good reason. and i had the greatest need to be analysed, or criticised. to be told who i am, instead of having to go though the tiring process of 'finding myself'. thats why i talk about stabbing my heart, cause i wanted to go introvert to the extreme. but anyway, it was a while ago. enjoy the weird words of yani.

I see pain seeping out of the gaping wound.
Blood trickles without a sound.
I suck on the blood like it was food,
Trying to catch every drop before they hit the ground.

Look at all the pieces of broken wood
Scattered across the floor.
Who is responsible for this mess?
It wasn’t here before.

A tingling sensation creeps up my spine,
My head throbs with heat.
I start to feel giddy; I start to feel faint,
I look around for a seat.

A sharp pain thrusts into my chest,
And I feel a powerful knock on my head.
I smile, enjoying the torture,
They think I’ll cry, but I’m laughing instead.

I hear a cackle from somewhere unknown,
I look around to see.
And there I look into a pane of glass to find,
That the cackling came from me.

I’m taken aback. Shocked,
But still I see an evil smile form.
It’s like someone who purposely holds a metal rod,
While standing outside in a storm.

My heart beats faster, but I am not afraid,
I am not scared, frightened, or shocked.
Just sitting there quietly watching,
Listening to my mind run amok.

But then I wake up.
My eyes are open as if they could never close.
My heart in reality is beating fast,
But my body feels cold.

Why did I dream such a nightmare?
Why did I feel that way?
Why am I so sadistic? Masochistic?
Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane.

Do I truly want to do that to myself?
Do I really want to see blood, and feel pain?
No, no, no, no! No…
I despise feeling this way…

The sun’s rays shine through my curtains,
The bright light hurts my eyes.
I try to stare at the morning sun,
But my eyes start to sting, and I begin to cry.

I feel like probing my mind…
I feel like tearing myself apart,
I feel like gnawing on my own insides,
I feel like stabbing my heart.

Ha-ha… My heart? Do I even have one?
I think I lost that a long time before.
And soon must follow my sanity,
Slipping, slipping, to where? No one knows…

Ahh… the cackling is back.
But I’m not dreaming anymore…
A tiny voice within, muffled, says,
Help me, help me, before—

Before what? Before it’s too late?
I’m afraid it may already be so.
But why I wonder, there’s no reason.
No anger, no pain, no sorrow.

Oh yes, yes… it’s just me…
Just me and my adolescent, pitiful self.
Crying, weeping, asking “Why oh why?”
And smashing my head against the shelf.

I’d better end this long poem,
Before I can never stop…
It’s beginning to sound like a suicide note,
Which I grant to all is not.

How to end it? How? How?
How shall I end this masterpiece?
I have no more words, no more soft phrases,
All is gone form mind and speech…

So this way it shall end…

Slow Motion

2005-12-28T22:19:00.000+08:00

Ever since I can remember, I've been watching British film classics like 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks', 'Sound of Music', 'My Fair Lady', and all sorts. And as I grew up I watched the newer ones, like 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' etc, and 'Love Actually', stuff like that. Of course I watch American films as well, but I always wait for the Christmas films by the British, I don't really know why...

On top of this, my parents have filled my head with stories of love and excitement from their younger days as a couple in England. Studying, struggling together. And 6 years later, marrying. And now, after 28 years (and counting) still telling us the same stories that still give me the goosebumps. All these little images in my head, growing over time. And all my life, I've known that one day, I'm going to the UK to study. I'm going to make my own stories. And here I am...

Expectations not completely met. Stories of grandeur now not seen the same. The Christmas spirit, not as I imagined. One thing that hasn't yet lost its place on my list is that I've always wanted to live a few minutes of my life in slow motion. Yes naive I know. One thing that just couldn't possibly happen. And yet, now I know why snow is o magical =)

I was outside today, buying some food essentials and walked slowly through the snow listening to the *crunch*crunch*crunch* sound that my footsteps made. Telling myself that I should really wake up earlier so that I don't miss the snow falling in the day. But as I thought of this, it started snowing. So I walked even slower... And finally just stopped. I looked up and watched the snow fall... Or rather swirl and twirl slowly above my head. Never seeming to touch the ground. It was so slow... So calm. My breathing followed its rhythm. I don't know whether it was just the hood over my head or if it really was quiet [but seeing as this post is starting to sound like a fairy tale, lets just say it went quiet suddenly =) ] Everything didn't go still, it just slowed down. It really did... The flakes that did everything it could to postpone its landing, made me feel like the world was moving slower. And without realizing it, I had been standing there long enough that I was a good replica of a 5 foot snowman. Time went by quickly, but slowly as well. I did not feel the time pass, but I felt as if it did not.

I don't know... It was weird. I must be the only one who has such a naive fascination with snow, but I don't care. I'm 20 years old, and I'm in University. I'm engaged, and I can no longer see the 'coolness' of sleeping late. But this doesn't stop me from enjoying my life when something comes along. The only difference between me playing in the snow today, then what I would've been like if I had had the chance to play when I was 5, is that bending over to roll the snowman's body through the snow to make it into a reasonable size, wouldn't have been so painful =)

Well, anyway, I've got to go now. Seeing as I've spent an hour in the snow today, and 30 minutes writing all this down, when I should've been studying since the 16th, it really is time to hit the books. LoL.

How a little precipitation made my day....

2005-12-27T09:31:00.000+08:00

The past few days haven't been the greatest. Back in Brunei, even when you didn't have anything to do, you had family, friends, a significant other, someone to make your day a little more memorable. Here,when you're alone, you're alone. When campus is empty, it really is. Even the fridges are raided and emptied. Your only form of entertainment (i.e. TV) is locked up in the same room that the vending machines (and therefore the chocolates) are! it is a sad case yes?LoL...well,of course there's reading,and the internet. Unfortunately these two cannot come together...because internet separates you from your books!EEk...but anyhow...The worst thing i guess is that no matter how hard you work, or how lazy you are, nothing good or bad immediately happens to you. There will be repercussions in the long run, but nothing at that specific moment will happen to you. You will not get rewarded or punished. You can't even talk to anyone (using your voice box) about these things, because everyone's gone. But for me, there are my loyal and good good friends who are online and care about me. Thanks Mel!you've been there for me at my loneliest times, and the worst times, and you made the most mundane days the best times for me. Thanks babes...I love you loads,and i owe a huge one!!(a huge favour and hug!hehe...)

It hasn't been all bad, but it has definitely not been all good. Being online and chatting is great. But it's when you lie in bed and realise that all you did that day was wake up, shower, eat and chat until it's time to go to bed. heck, that's what i'm doing now! Hehe...but yea..I've become, i don't know...alone. I must be the only one really freaking out about this whole 'alone' thing. No one else i know who's going through the same shit is freaking out as much as i am. Maybe it's because i've always been used to a full house. Plus, for those who don't know me, I am vErY talkative. Verbal diarrhea i tell you.

Anyway, for some reason, i felt worse today. i feel slightly ill, i think my hormones are messed up, and i haven't been eating healthily mostly because there isn't anything left in the fridge but cheese, mayo, eggs, and salad dressings.and shops don't open till wednesday...

i tried to distract myself, i try and call my boyfriend, the phone card is not cooperating...ok...try again...hmm...not working. After the 15th time, I was a little edgy,so i just called the expensive way. Then after a not so emotionally satisfying convo with him, i call my bestfriend in japan. we talk and I find out that she's doing way better than I am. Which is great. It makes me happy to know that, but I can't but help feel envious. Ashamed. Sad. And nostalgic.

I say my goodbyes, I hang up the phone, and *sigh*. Time for another convo with the boyfriend. hang up*sigh* Feeling slightly better. Go online, and see that everyone's somewhere, doing something, having fun *sigh*

Before permanently engraving my ass print on my chair while watching a little frasier, i decided to make some toast. As i waited with an oven mit, ready to catch the toast as it flies out of the toaster, my eyes wandered around the kitchen (as they say,a watched pot never boils) and landing my eyes finally on the view outside my window, i thought "great,it's raining..." but then i looked again...and i saw that it wasn't rain, it was a different kind of precipitation...it was snow!!!!

I dumped the oven mit, left the toast to fly, put on my shoes and coat (backward and upside down no doubt) hobbled down the steps and ran into the freezing cold. I spread my arms, tilted my head back and opened my mouth. Twirling as i walked, uncontrollably laughing. And i as i laughed and twirled, and tasted a melting flake on my tongue, I started to cry (honestly,my hormones are messed up). i cried and just breathed in the cold air. i was the only one enjoying the snow. i walked around my college, but very careful not to step in the snow. i stood outside for 15minutes, trying to make the best of the snow. And when it stopped i was sad. but then i looked down,and though there was only 5 millimeters of snow on the ground, i crouched down and scooped up as much as i could and sculpted it into a perfectly spherical snowball...my fingers turned blue as i admired the amazing phenomenon that sat in my palms. i cupped my hands protecting the snowball...cradling it...laughing and twirling expecting to see someone to tell them, "look look! it's a snowball! i made a snowball!" finally after a few minutes my body registered the fact that it couldn't feel my fingers anymore, and said, "fingers.pain." and i had to cradle it with my arms hidden in the sleeves of my coat.

i walked onto the pavement by the main road just to see what it was like...and it was white...white roads, white grass, white cars parked along the side of the road. One single girl from an equatorial climate cradling a snowball and walking aimlessly,with absolute euphoria.

that girl made 2 more snowballs, and threw one of them into a wall just to see if it worked...And it did!hehehe... the snow started to melt, and so she went in with her 2 remaining snowballs, and popped them in the freezer. "let's see what happens"

I look around my kitchen. I see my toast on the floor, the oven mit slightly charred by the toaster, and my butter almost completely melted. But I felt happy. Nothing could've dampened my spirits. I felt at least 5 years old at that very moment. Looking out the window, hoping and eagerly waiting for it to snow again.

But even if it doesn't, i've got friends online, frasier on my laptop, and I've got snowballs in the freezer! =)

Winter worries

2005-12-22T08:14:00.000+08:00

Hello there... Winter term holidays for people up here in the UK! A time when the weather gets cold enough that people begin to eagerly question "will it snow tomorrow?". A time when your flat/course mates pack up,pretend that going home is going to be awful,but once their parents/boyfriends/etc arrive,they give em a big hug and u just know they're happy. A time when sales are everywhere! n eventhough u don't celebrate xmas,all those cliche xmas movies prove to have an ounce of truth. And then u suddenly think of Puasa, Raya,or even just meals together back at home in Brunei, and you see ur friends all chatting/bickering away with family about to bring em home.you smile quietly,and watch them go,one by one.u watch as the halls gets emptier,bigger almost.u walk back to your room,feeling some relief that it's finally quiet,n u can get some of that work n reading done.5 minutes of useless reading,n u look outside ur door.listen for the sound of footsteps.no one,u r alone.n for 3 weeks.u go online,hope for familiar *virtual* faces.n there they are.some family,old friends,and perhaps a loved one.loyal people of my life.when the world lets u down,they won't.

A Snowflake in the Spring

2005-11-29T00:24:00.000+08:00

A Snowflake in the Spring

I dance, I swirl, I float, I fly,
I'm lifted up before I take a dive.
I land on a patch with slow, soft silence,
I land among my fellow friends.

Each of us are different, each unique,
Our differences exist, but they're hard to see.
Some stick together,some float away,
But many join and leave us everyday.

The time swiftly flies, and so do I,
Finally I find home beneath the sky.
Silently I sit there among the ones I love,
Many wither away, nothing can be done.

In darkness I was born, and in darkness I live,
So I don't know much, and there's much less I can give.
I've lived a free, naive and short life,
I'm happy not much was filled with strife.

And now I sit and wait, not knowing for what.
But I know that my waiting is not for naught.
I look up once more and I see the Sun.
He's shining the brightest light he's every done.

I smile and sparkle and I slowly close my eyes,
In cold and darkness I was born, In warmth and light I die.

my niece is cute...

2005-11-09T04:05:00.000+08:00

i went to Glasgow during the weekend to visit my sister for Hari Raya (Eid Mubarak). abang Ulma and their daughter ayu was there as well. and to make things even home-ier, my sis down in Essex came up as well! so we had a lil second day of Raya celebration of our own.there was a celebration coincidentally,but we didnt stay long coz we were tired and really wanted to catch up on things. the fact that i was only going to be there for one night made me quite sad. and to make leaving harder, my niece didn't wanna let me go!!! waa!! the whole time i was there, if she was in her pram, she wud hold my finger as her daddy pushed her.

i tried to explain to her that i wud only be there for a night, n that i wud have to leave the next day. i told her again a few hours before leaving but she kept saying, "Later ah?karang...". it seriously broke my heart having to tell her, "no,i have to go now...Hani has to go to school now.but i will see u after a few sleeps back at home with Nini k?" and with that she pouted her lip, and i kissed her goodbye,cried a few tears and left heavy hearted.sniff...

oh well...at least unlike many others,i got to spend raya wth some of my family members. yay!!

CALLING MY NAME

The train is moving but time stands still.
I close my eyes and hope the tears don't spill.
I look outside, but there is no outside to see,
just a distorted reflection of me.

I hear her speak my name and my heart aches as i try to find her.
But alas it is all in my head, for my memories still stir...
I picture my brother behind a glass wall,
As I try to reach him I run,I fall,I crawl...

My brother disappears, but the glass wall remains,
And then I hear her call my name.
Her sweet voice, so young, so innocent, so infantile,
Calling me, wanting me,I can't be there. I cry.

I wish I knew if my brother would do the same.
If he would want me, miss me, and call my name.
I wonder if he'll remember me when I come home.
I wish he'dknow it's me when i call him on the phone.

The train rattles,as still pictures run through my mind,
the train slows, quickens and I see my words fall behind.
This is my stop,I tidy up my things and stand to leave,
As I walk I look back to see my distorted reflection watch me.

2005-10-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

I look around me and I see pieces of paper scattered on the tables, the floor, the shelves. Disorganized, scattered, still in pieces. The papers lie untouched. I look outside my window... Green that makes the view look grey. People pass on bicycles, in cars, or walking as if trying to catch up on an invisible entity. All around me are black doves, black swans and dark ponds that reflect nothing.

Back to the room, where empty spaces busy my eyes. I slowly pick up the papers... Trying to put them into some sort of order. Trying to figure out in what order. Wondering how little order there is. Wondering why I have these pieces of papers in my hand. And suddenly I forget why I'm here. In this room that I try so hard to call home. I'm in a place where all I need to worry about is me. A place where faith in humanity died at birth. A place where people actually choose to be blind.

And so I sit here. In this room that I must call home. This place I chose to live in. And so I see my childhood dreams die

First impressions...

2005-08-06T13:58:00.000+08:00

first impressions are very important. especially to me. i like making friends. i like people liking me. i really don't feel comfortable having people dislike me. i don't know why. and you know, because of this i thought that i didn't take people for granted. but i do. i take advantage of the people i love most. which is a cliche in itself. apparently i worry about everyone else's feelings but theirs. and i hate myself for that. also for never realising it.

anyhow, serious stuff aside. i really need someone to teach me how to modify my blog. it's so boring. hehehe...

i don't know what else to write. i guess that's it for now. see ya

i'm going to wake up tomorrow

2005-07-14T14:40:00.000+08:00

the things that have happened haven't actualy happened. i'm still dreaming. i wish this was true especially now. i'm not sitting here in coffeezone sipping on my mochachino. i'm not listening to '3 days grace'. and tomorrow, when i wake up,i'll find that i never even wrote this post.

sadness is a strong feeling. a feeling that should be used as inspiration - among other things. it is a feeling everyone needs to feel time to time. happines is a feeling people who always feel sad, deserve. i am not one of them.

inspiration is something that can be used to expel the sadness. and it has not failed me. until now.

the words are like a wretching feeling. ure vomiting but nothing comes out. sometimes tears do that too. never knew that could happen.

i'm going to wake up tomorrow. i'll find myself in bed in singapore where this dream started. and what i did to deserve this will not happen. because i have seen what it will do to me. it will not happen because i will have the balls to stop it. it will not happen because i do not want to lose the perfection i already have. but a voice within me says it did happen. and u will lose what u had. u did throw away the happiness u didn't deserve to start with.

i did. this happened. but denial sets in and says that i've only gone crazy for a moment. that this is some sort of hallucination.

like my hallucination that i saw the prefection i threw away approach me.come back to me with open arms.but it was a lamp post i almost hit.

people might tell me(though i have no idea why they're even talking to me) that perfection will come again.and this time i might crash into it. but i don't want to get anything else.as lame as that sounds. i want what i had. and if it means i have to make concessions and compromises that are going to kill me, then so be it.

whatever it takes.

if hell is to pay for my sins, then this is it.

but what is it when ure paying for something u didn't do?(this is just a general question that popped up when i thot of how a lot of people get shit they don't deserve.you know who u r)

again, i am not one of them.

maybe the world spins because it was never balanced. but then maybe thats why its tilted.

it's balanced, but not by doing the opposite or the equal of what tipped the balance. it does what it can to compensate

so here i am. drinking the mocha that doesn't exist. writing the post that i didn't write. occupying the chair that is actually vacant. and living a dream that i made into a nightmare

i'll wake up tomorrow...

budak budak! kami kat kuala lumpur!

2005-07-08T17:38:00.000+08:00

Elo Elo!It's me n mel's last night in kuala lumpur!it's been pretty interesting. some fun moments and some bla moments.never bad moments. just scary ones. so far i've freaked about meeting one of jacylin victor's friends. so imagine what i did once i actually saw her with my own eyes. sakai aku ani eh. hehehe.... anyhoo's we're crashing at a friend's crib at the mo'. kinda weird. anyhoo.. it's all i can type at the mo'. im using their net. so i'll give a full update soon

we don't really know what we want

2005-06-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

Hello there! Ahh...the beauty of wifi...I can actually go online given i buy a $5 drink...or park strategically close to the wireless network *evil grin*

Anyhoo...I did some pondering the other day...because pondering is what i do when i'm driving alone at 8 in the morning with nothing to do for 2 and a half hours. yes, so i was pondering... and i pondered...and in conclusion of my pondering, i realised that we humans don't really know what we want. Ok, so maybe it could just be me, but i'm human,so perhaps i can speak on behalf of the whole civilisation. yea, well, we humans always pray or wish for better lives somehow. however small, the want for it is there. take myself for example.Ever since i was a kid-listening to the romantic tales my parents told of their love in the days of yore-i've dreamed of being with someone who i've known for years. my bestfriend, someone i have a lot in common with.you know, my supposed 'other half'.

i found him a few years ago. what i liked, he liked.what i did, he did.like, we had everything in common!i was so excited at first, then it got kind of freaky... okay, really freaky(lets hope he's not reading this). so yea, i got freaked, kind of annoyed,but through the whole thing i gave the impression that this is exactly what i've always wanted. well, it was, wasnt it? yea, but i freaked, and no matter how much we had in common, we didn't understand each other. so it didnt work out. so now i'm in a stable relationship with a guy i've had as anacquaintance for i dunno like 4 years, but never really spoke to. we have almost nothing in common,i got to know him for 6 months before we got together, and hey, i'm happy. 'THIS is what i need' i thought.

there's this other example that might make me seem less shallow, trivial and superficial, but i don't wanna go there. basically it's like, i've always wanted all of my own space, and once im really close to getting it, i realise that i love my life exactly how it is.

you know, this post is starting to sound like it should be titled 'we're (Or more specifically, I'm)never happy with what we've got'... maybe so... but to put that aside, don't you think it's true? its kind of the reverse of 'we don't know what we've got until it's gone'.

well, i guess i've gotta go now...i'll see ya around. ada tu nanti.

"dude...what happened to us man?"..."what?"...wat happened to those simple times?"..."dude, ur 20, its called growing up man..."..."oh...cool"

2005-06-13T15:41:00.000+08:00

yea, what happened to all those simple times yea? when all u had to worry about was ur parents finding ur report card. or ur allowance getting revoked. television privelages restricted. hahahah

i mean now it's like, ur worrying about where ur moneys gonna come from. to pay for ur easi card, the fuel for ur car, etc. yea well, its not like its a bad thing. part of growin up rite? pretty cool

freaky too. heheh...man i miss school. i actually miss bein a student. can't wait to go to uni.yes im a geek...lovin' it.

u knw, with all this free time u begin to feel lke home is really the place for u.u look around and u no longer see walls of restriction, u see walls of comfort. u see ur parents not as parents but as people and friends ure gonna miss. u sit down for lunch and feel sad wen its just u

i mean i know not a lot of u may feel like this.plus u dont really know my situaton at home
my bro's autistic so it's alot different than other homes with normal siblings.

he's not a hassle, nor a burden, but a responsibility. a responsibility we must sincerely want to take. otherwise, forget it. u can't be part of this family if u don't. its not a bad thing mind you. he's wat glues this family together. out of necessity or whatever, it works.

if ure gonna be angry with every single member of the family, u just physically cant be mad at farid. he's just impossible to be angry at u knw?

n sumtimes i think that his non-verbalness is wat makes me feel like he's my best buddy. all u gota do i sit there. talk to him, play with him, cuddle him, hold him. and whatever he does, it's like, wow. ur problems go away coz u realise he's got it worse. i mean hes got the pleasure of being blissfully ignorant, but its worse for him coz he can understand us, but we can't understand him.

he's not handicapped by the way. he's wat we call socially impaired. autistic children are usually non verbal, but not deaf, they are physically normal as well as mentally, but they have no social skills, and unless u can break the barrier of communication (via other means than talking) then thats wen we can teach him to speak, read, be socially acceptable.

anyway...yea, my bro's awesome.

makes me not wanna leave home ever

well, i gtg. i'll update. not gonna say 'soon'. but i wll update some time
see ya!

sorry

2005-02-24T12:32:00.000+08:00

sorry abou the last post. that was pretty pathetic of me. anyhow, things are all well. no more people biting my ass. the teeth marks have gone but im still working on how to sit comfortably. so, here i am making full use of my one hour lunch break, using my friend's computer.hehe... ive got a coke in my hand and no money in my wallet. im out of cigs, my stomachs empty, but at least im happy! heeee....

the end of the month is when the moths fly out of your wallets, and you lose weight and stuff. then a week after that you bloat up and so does your wallet.hehehe....

well as u can see ive got nothing of dire importance to write about, so i ges i'll stop here. so see ya...

untitled

2005-02-18T22:17:00.000+08:00

sometimes one feels that life is cheating u in some way... u ask god, 'Why?' and unfortunately for God and for life, there's no one there to defend them. especially if one is to blind to see the asnwers...

then, when u feel as if uve cheated life, u pat urself on the back, maybe feel guilty, or not even knw u did anything wrong.

i dnt know how this is relevant to how m feeling, but whatever...its my blog, i can write whatever i want

u knw how when u have a problem, and u go to someone for comfort?the last thing u wanna hear is that its ur fault.or they side the other party. but u knw that u shud listen coz it might be true. but sometimes u cant give a fuck about the other party, especially if thats what uve beein doing for all ur life.

and then there's the interesting thing about coincidence. like how its coincedental that when ure feeling like that, the person u ask for comfort from wants comfort as well. and so the battle for the comfort blanket-this time,no sharing...

what am i talking about?it doesnt matter...

sometimes life bites u in the ass...and what do we do? bite back. maybe sometimes put a plaster on it, and keep a mental memo 'next time, sit'.

who am kidding?they'll do anything to bite. why am i even talking about life?this has nothing to do with anything...

enuf about my pathetic adolescent life.

i wonder sometimes(yes i do think), why do we try so hard to be different? to be special? to be noticed? wouldnt it be easier if we were friendless and unknown? well maybe thats too extreme. how abt at least having some sort of spot where u can just hide urself for as long as u like? just to think, to cry maybe...to talk about things with urself with no one there to judge u. to talk about ur problems without having someone say, 'well thats what it's like'

ah well, so much for that happening. i ges the toilet will always be fine with me. especially if i can get that light fixed.

ive got a lot of mixed up things in my head. no organiser. im too tired to even re read what ive written.

i ges i'll just leave it to that.

see u

The end of the road... Wait, it's a fork. No, it's a signboard. Umm...Can i just sit here and wait?

2005-02-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

for people who know me, or are at least in the same year as i am, it's a tough month. not in a bad way i suppose. just lots of stuff to do, lots of stuff to think about. we have to fill in forms and do a lot of thinking when doing it. not just blindly filling things in...unfortunately.

when i look at the form i just cross my arms and think, do i have to? *sigh* oh well... anyhow, i know i sound whiny, which i suppose i am. especially to quite a few people. u know who u are. anyhoo... again i have not much time. but just as a last note to a special someone.

if i really had to, five words or phrases, or objects or sentences or whatever mass on earth couldn't be enough to describe the complex soul u r. really... 5 words was hard enough. haha... well anyhow, i'll write again another time.

The good, the better and the just plain weird...

2005-01-19T15:10:00.000+08:00

The good: so I've been having driving lessons for 2 weeks. Yesterday I passed! Yah! On the very same day, I have a job interview with a bank. Cool! I get to go to the gym...umm...quite unusual.

the better: 3 hours later I get a call, I got the job and I start immediately! Wow... Cool... AND I get conditional entry to this uni I really wanna go to.

the just plain weird: this all happens on the same day, a few days before I go o my first holiday in 8 years, and most importantly, a week before I get my results...

I think that it's really great that all this stuff's been happening to me. I'm really happy. Too excited that I got asthma. So don't get me wrong, I am VERY grateful. BUT...think of this:if after every rainstorm a rainbow is formed, then after every sunny day a rainy day follows. SOoooo...all this good stuff could be cushions to break my fall when my results come. Yes yes..I'm being really pessimistic...but for me, being that is a survival technique. 'cause if there's anything I cannot handle, it's disappointment from an anti-climax. So I deal with it by preventing it. And to prevent it, there must not be any hopes whatsoever. Or even better, hopes for the worst. Hahaha....Oh dear. Now I sound like a teacher for the meek and timid, for the self conscience. Oh dear...

Anyhow, now that I'm driving, working, working out and now have the power to accept or reject(reject and I'm stupid)a place in a good uni, I guess I don't have to worry about trying to figure out a way to NOT think about results. At least by not thinking about it, I don't have to actually have any expectations-good or bad.ahh...the wonders of an empty, shallow mind. And hh, the pity that have to waste so much cyber space memory to type all of that down. ack.

Aaaaanyhoo...Schools restarted without me and my batch. I wonder if it's as empty as it was at the beginning of last year. Bet there are at least more people in the 'now-senior-batch', than there were in the 'now-super-senior-batch'....
eek...feeling old...

Now that I've jabbered enough about my trivia-filled personal life, I can now go on to my very brilliant thoughts which are embedded within the deep recesses of my mind...

Hmm... not very brilliant am I? Haha...nah...I'm just modest...I'm sure they're somewhere in there...

*a rustling sound is heard followed by hollow thumping, coming from the mis-shapen globe that sits upon Yani's shoulders(i.e, her head)*

Aha! Here's one...

Why do people use the term 'it's simply black and white' when white isn't so actually so simple. Firstly it's always misinterpreted as the absence of colour when in fact white is a colour. If not, why does the word 'colourless' exist? Secondly, white is in fact the product of all the primary colours put together. And primary colours are mixed and what-not to come up with every colour known to man. So...is white so simple after all?

ok ok..so that wasn't 'brilliant'...fine...i'll settle for mundane. anyhow, i have o go now...so i hope that this post has confused everyone, especially in the matter of figuring me out. heheheee... see ya another time.

it's been long time, shouldntve left u...

2004-12-28T20:09:00.000+08:00

yea my titles a song again... and its true! anyhow...a lot's been happening since the november. exams r over, prom is over, christmas is over, my birthdays over and new years is just about around the corner. at the mo' im in a cyber cafe, and i just went through a really scary pat of my life. i knw, nothing in a cyber cafe or related to it could seem traumatic or scary or important. but lets just say it has something to do with my entire future. and though the results were relieving, i'm still a little shook up, and paranoid.

i know none of you have any idea what i'm talking about, and unfortunately u never will.sorry...well, to let the boring stuff aside, i just went kayaking on the 26th december for 26 kilometers. for the bruneieans, that was from Damuan to Searasa beach. it was fun. it was organised by SMARTER brunei, the Autistic society. i'm too tired to explain the symbolism of the whole thing, but basically, the whole thing is an analogy of my life, and other people's lives, with autism. parents with autistic children, siblings, aunts, uncles, and professionals.my dad is the president of the society, and he organised half of it, so at the last stretch, when the cameras were zooming in, and the guest of honour was sitting comfortably in his chair, and a bout 60 other kayakers behind him, he cried like a baby. and after the whole thing was done, he kissed my head and my sisters' heads,and hugged us so tightly, the strain of the whole thing began to show. surprisingly, my arms don't hurt so much. i only got a few bumps and bruises, and a few scars, but their all too minor (so i dont know why i wrote it down).

well, thats all i have to write today. and probly for this whole month and year! hehehe... i'll try posting some time next month. anyhoo, gota go. nothing interesting i know. but yea, what else can i write?so i'll see ya.

its been a while

2004-11-18T14:32:00.000+08:00

"it's been a while, since i could hold my head up high,
it's been a while, since i first saw you..." - Staind

yep, been a while since i wrote or posted anything. haven't been in school or in any other place where i can use the internet for my saddistic use.muahahaha!! umm...anyhow, i had an exam yesterday. it had to be my worst of all. didnt like it. went really really really horrible. i cried when i got home, and out of my exaggerated depression wrote something which has nothing to do with how i felt.i just read too much "Othello" i think,so the quotes were still swimming in my head. eek...nothing like a shakesperean quote to accompany me during a shower. especially if it's something like, "i'll tear her into peices." so yeah... but most things that are born out of my sadness are the things i end up feeling much pride for. so here's my latest creation:

This is what God has engendered so that i may repent my sins. be it that this is not some mere foreshadowing of what may come, and in a form more unfortunate than this. my love was my flaw, and my flaw causes me to sin. so, shall this be my fall? is this my tragedy?

'What is is not what it seems,
neither is what is not.
a sin done long ago-'tis done,
and Time has made me forgot.

i ask myself many times,
what makes this sin a sin?
could it be the love i bear?
no, 'tis the lov within.

my passion perhaps was my flaw,
but wherefore does this passion fruit?
'Tis the love i carry, nourish, grow from,
that i have within my roots.

let my roots feed my passion,
my desires, my hopes, my lust.
and from there(though irony seems to touch)
from lust did my love also fruit trust.

or was it trust and love,
that i did carry in my roots?
that does seem to nourish 'lust'(as it seems)
into my sins, that is the fruit.

or perhaps my sins were seeds,
yes seeds that were carelessly sown.
dormant beneath the earth-forgotten,
but now they have grown.

grown into yet another tree,
bark soft, flowers red but sweet.
beneath the bark lies the life,
that continues this deceit.

the tree of life? yes.
"Eat this and you betray Him"
yes,much like the story of God,
perhaps ignorance was my sin.

no, ignorance was a fault,
as was my love, trust and passion was my flaw,
and so now the nutrients are here,
to feed what shall be my fall'

yeah so thats it. see ya next time

my God...it's 11.30!

2004-10-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

for those of you who have read my recent posts (there aren't that many anyway) it's been an unbroken tradition..until now...that i post at 10+. but hey check it out!its 11.30! yay... anyway, i just wanted to post the next part of my poem.

"i wipe my cold tears and i stare at my pale palms,
my hands are shaking vigorously and yet i feel calm.

i force my hands together, and i cup them like they once knew,
but tears were still shed, i hear a laugh,my intentions not completely true.
i close my eyes and i see the scorching flames,
i think hard, i start to speak, oh hoe i long for those blue skies again."

i don't think i'm done yet. well you know, i don't guide poems, they guide me. so i look forward to where this poem brings me next. hahaha...anyhow...i'll see you another time.

just keep rolling, rolling, rolling...

2004-10-27T01:18:00.000+08:00

so, it's been 30 minutes since my Math exam just now. it's my first paper for the 'A2's...and like the title says,now everything will start rolling smoothly-i hope. well anyhow, last night i again got inspiration to write a poem, and this time i wasn't going to make the same mistake. so i typed it up in my phone. now if i can just figure out my abbreviations...

"Once, a long time ago, my hands were cupped together,
Pointed to the sky, my head bowed down, as i chanted in prayer.
Now my hands have parted, and the heavens have closed,
and now the gates of hell have opened, i burn and yet i feel so cold...

i hear the devils laughing, and i see the saints all cry,
the shed their tears painfully, as they watch my sould die...
i cry also, but my tears only meet my smiling lips,
and there that salty taste so familiar, it's something i do not miss."

it's not complete yet...and i don't really know what it's about...ok, thats a lie. i know what its about.but it's not worth telling you guys. anyhow... i hope to end it optimistically(is that how u spell it? darn...)

i'm soooo tired... math in the morning is like waking up in a startle, hitting ur head on the bed post, and falling off the bed. well, that's never happened to me, so i really don't know. but u get what i mean. anyhoo...aik...m i'm too tired to be funny...it's too much energy. especially for someone who can't do it naturally...
well, i guess i gotta go then. i'll think of something more exciting to post next time =D

Why do I like posting at 10 am??

2004-10-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

Is it coincidence or is there some sort of spell cast upon me that I don't know of that ensures that around 10 something in the morning, I get a chance to post?Well, whatever it is, it's pretty cool. Now for those who don't know, it's the eighth day of Ramadan today. *sigh* The fasting month, the month of no school, the month of exams, the month that will change my entire life... eek...That doesn't sound so good.

Oh yeah, about 2 nights ago I was lying in bed, staring into the darkness (I was under my blanket) when this little ray of inspiration shone through the night. Or it could've been my phone. But seriously, a poem started composing itself in my head. But I couldn't care to get out of bed and write it down, so it's gone now *sigh* And,if I do say so myself, I think it would've been a nice poem. I can't believe I forgot it. Damn...Oh well...Ok, enough about that.

you know what? I've just realized something after watching a dozen movies for these pat few days (chick flicks no doubt). You know how in those movies the girl has this 'more-than-perfect boyfriend'. He's good looking, sweeter than sugar, rich, successful, yada yada..? BUT, in the end she finds this down-to-earth, also good looking guy who doesn't really have everything, but at least has brains, and she dumps Mr. Perfect and goes for the guy she's actually in love with. Now some og\f you guys may be thinking, "Oh no, she's going to start going all female!" Well, think what you like, but I'm not taking this to a literal meaning. So that example's about love. Think of your future career. Think of you having the prefect job, it gives you the money, the title, the success, the cars, the fame, yada yada...and then...you think of the job that you would love more. Because it's fun, it's got adventure, it's got what you love. Which one would you choose? Well, if you were one of those sensible, convenience-driven people, you'd say the money-making job. But if you were the kind of person who would rather have fun making however much money they can, they'd choose the latter. I still don't know which I'd choose. I was talking to my sister last night about some of the usual stuff, and I brought this topic up. And I said, I hope I'm not given an option. Sometimes I actually wish the wind would blow me in the right direction, without me having to actually choose. She said to me "so your saying that you don't want to take control and responsibility of your life?" In my head I said 'yea'. But of course I told her otherwise, she is my elder sister sister after all...

well, I guess that's all I gotta say today. gotta start studying now... See you next time. At 10?

doing the math...literally.

2004-10-22T01:08:00.000+08:00

hello there non-existant readers and fans of my blog!! it's a lovely morning. in fact it's the first morning i've seen for about a week. i've been sleeping in!but then one day i woke up and realised there's only one week to my exams. so yeah... i'm in school now, cause i figure that the only way i'll be able to be productive is in school. boy was i wrong. cause one thing i hadn't anticipated was the computer...and the lovely internet access =D so yeah, before 'the computer' idea popped into my head, i was doing math.my first exam is math, and the next day i have math. then, if all goes well, that'll be the last math paper i have to deal with for the rest of my youth. i say youth because u never know if i'm married and have children. i'm going to have open the dusty stores of my mind labelled 'math' and help my child do algebra...eek...anyhoo... do u know why i hate math?okay,not hate,but dislike. i dislike math because it is the only thing i haven't been able to question. it's probably the only subject in the entire world that has 90% black and white answers.And as a literature student,i dislike that.now literature,that's a subject that has a hundred thousand different shades of grey,and more. sometimes it's just plain black *yani laughing by herself for the joke only she understands* now some of you who know me may wonder,"then why does she take biology?" well,okay,think of it this way...imagine living ur life where there is no routine. some of you probably like that idea. but then, think of waking up and finding that breakfast is not on the table, or ur parents don't come home, or u don't go to school,or ur clothes never seem to return to ur cupboard magically anymore (by the way,ur clothes get there cause ur mum or maid do it)so again imagine that u never have a routine...*yani just realised that she is contradicting herself because to not ever have a routine means ur routine is to not have a routine... nevermind.scratch that* so yeah...with a life like that, wouldn't u want a break and actually know what's coming?that's where my biology comes in. it's all usualy black&white,so u know whats coming.u don't get scared. and this doesn't just apply to subjects.well...i've written enough, and my teacher is hovering over me...so i should go now.see you around!

hello! this is me... i think...

2004-10-15T01:47:00.000+08:00

so this is my first post, on my very first online journal. this is however not my first journal. i have many many, and because of that, i can't seem to find most of them. so i decided to write in my computer. that was going great,until my internet connection got cut off,so it got really hard to post certain issues or poems i had in my computer journal, to give to my friends. so i think it took over 15 months until someone persuaded me to get a blog. and well, here i am!! as u've all porbably read (that is assuming anyone is actually reading this) i am about 19 years old...okay okay, so a month a few weeks and a few days short of 19 years. getting to my point. many of you may think i am an adolescent(did i spell that right?) striving for identity. and you're right. i am. i have no idea who the hell i am. but at least i'm getting there. Unlike most other teenagers, i do not wallow in self pity. i have way too many inner conflicts to care about self infliction and too much studying to do(especially now) to waste time pitying myself. but anyhow, enough with degrading my own kind. lets see... what else to write? well, at the moment i am freezing cold in my sisters office, trying to finish this post as quickly as possible because i had ingested way too much fluids about 2 hours ago, and well...u can get the point. so before i leave gracefully for the toilet, doing a little dance, let me just say that whoever intends to read my blog continuously might either be annoyed, amused, interested, nauseated(oh did i spell that right??)confused and slightly exhausted in keeping up with the many disconnected strands of thoughts that seem to enjoy tangling up in my mind.hmm... but thats me...i think...*in the background a sound is heard...it is nature calling* gtg peeps...i'll write in here once i get another chance to nick someone elses comoputer. byezz